“Etiquette means behaving yourself just a little better than is absolutely essential.”
—William J. Cuppy
It’s summer, and that means there will be social gatherings: graduations, barbecues — not to mention that it’s wedding season, too. I am certainly no A-lister; there isn’t a yacht club in town that will have me.
But thankfully, my parents raised me right. Not with fine china, silver, and charm lessons (though, truth be told, I could’ve used charm lessons), but I knew how to say please and thank you by the time I was two.
Now that I’m older, I know to go to a cookout or a dinner party with a little something for the host. My mother put it this way: “Always show up with one arm longer than the other,” meaning you should be carrying something. It doesn’t have to be much: a bottle of wine, flowers, or a candle.
On the flip side, if you host a gathering, nothing matters more than making your guests feel at home. It’s not difficult or expensive. It can be as simple as finding out if a guest has an allergy or dietary traditions around their faith.
I don’t serve anything with peanuts when my allergic friend is visiting, and they don’t serve raspberries when I’m at their home. Neither of us want to have to call 911 — that would be a buzzkill for sure.
I was at a cookie swap once, which was nerve-wracking (what if no one liked the cookies I brought?). Everyone brought three dozen of one kind of cookie and went home with three dozen different cookies. I went with a basic snickerdoodle cookie because those are hard to mess up. There were soft drinks, wine, and snacks.
At some point during the party, a guest asked the host, “Do you have proper red-wine glasses, or should I just have the merlot in this white-wine glass?”
I’m telling you, the silence was deafening.
Truly, this guest was probably just trying to do the right thing and didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I can relate. My friends don’t call me “Blurt the Merciless” for nothing. One of those six-second delay features they have on the radio would be perfect for me because every so often, some random thought that’s only supposed to be in my head comes flying out of my mouth. It’s probably why no yacht club will have me.
To her credit, the hostess graciously responded, “Any glass you want is fine by me. I might even have a few Welch’s grape jelly glasses in the cabinet; you want Betty Rubble or Wilma Flintstone on yours?” Pro tip: A little humor can diffuse almost any social tension.
Manners, etiquette, and proper decorum for certain events are necessary; that’s just basic civilization. Don’t make change out of the collection basket at church; you shouldn’t say in a job interview that you don’t like when someone tells you what to do; and definitely don’t drink out of the milk carton when you have guests.
Other than egregious moments like those, if you take the time to read the room, the last thing you need to worry about is which wine glass is the right one. Just look around and decide what you can do to engage with others and have a good time. It doesn’t have to be any more complex than that. Cheers to summer!
Brenda Kelley Kim has lived in Marblehead for 50 years, and is an author, freelance writer, and mother of three. Her column will appear weekly.