“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.” —Tom Stoppard
I have been a child and raised three children, and while that doesn’t make me an expert on all things kid-related, I’ve seen a lot and I know things.
When I was a kid (for reference, we are talking about the years between 1967 and 1986, which was preschool through college), there were more two-parent homes. Mothers were home, dads were usually off working, and everyone I knew had a similar home. When people start with the nostalgia of how this was a better way to live, I remember my mother’s occasional frustration at being unable to choose her path or go her own way because she was raising two kids, and whatever we needed came first. There were definitely times she wanted to ditch the status quo, and I can’t blame her.
There were expectations of kids and parents then that are so different now. We were supposed to go to school, be nice, stay within the lines, and not make a fuss. Parents whose children didn’t do all this were often judged because the belief was that whatever a kid did or didn’t do was because of something their parents did or didn’t do. While I was not a disrespectful kid, I was also not someone who went along just to go along, and my poor mother had to deal with it.
Apparently, my preschool teachers found my well-meant suggestions, such as my proposal that the day would work better if we went out to recess after snack and that nap time was “for babies,” problematic. By day three, my bossy self was a preschool parolee. My mother saved the note from the teacher, who wrote, “We cannot accommodate the gross insubordination Brenda attempts on a daily basis.”
Today, when students suggest an alternative plan or speak up, they are often rewarded with praise and told they have leadership skills. I love to see even the youngest kids come up with ideas and ways to improve school, friendships, or activities. The flip side is more pressure to grow up sooner, do more than their peers, and be first in everything. My parents always said, “Do your best,” but today, kids hear, “Be the best,” and it starts early.
From day one, there’s more of everything in a child’s life today, which may be driving the pressure. More toys, information, people, choices, and knowledge. It’s stressful for parents, too, because we can’t let our kids fall behind, right? When they get to high school, it’s all about test scores, college applications, and the rat race of 17-year-olds trying to figure out the whole rest of their lives in a 500-word essay for the Common App, and parents get caught up in the mechanics of it all.
The landscape of childhood is different now than it was, but that doesn’t mean it was better back then and terrible today. The other morning, at what I usually consider an ungodly hour, carloads of high school kids were racing around town, hanging out of cars, beeping their horns, and screaming. I love this day! They do it every year to celebrate the milestone of beginning their senior year.
What I see is the pure happiness they have in that moment. Yes, it’s not entirely safe; they could fall or have an accident, and I hope that never happens, honestly. Our generation had free-range childhoods of riding bikes and having adventures, and that’s not the norm anymore, but these kids still have joy and hope. They still celebrate their friends and their school. For one early morning, they live a little bit of their best lives and want the world to know it. Carrying that energy into adulthood in an increasingly complex world will serve them well. Perhaps we should all take note and keep some of the magic of our childhoods right up front in our grown-up lives. You won’t find me honking and screaming around town, but I will try to include some of their younger attitudes in my adult life.
Brenda Kelley Kim has lived in Marblehead for 50 years and is an author, freelance writer, and mother of three. Her column appears weekly.
