“No matter how old you are, if a kid hands you a toy phone…you answer it.” — Dave Chappelle
Recently, I got to spend an afternoon with a small child. I was helping out a friend who needed some uninterrupted time to finish a project, and it was nearly impossible with her active 5-year-old around. I plopped right down on the floor with this little lovey (getting up was decidedly more difficult) and started on the selection of playthings in the toy chest. That’s when I realized my childhood toys were a world away from what children have today. I don’t mean just electronics and video games; it’s a whole different ball game, literally.
Toys today have to meet stringent safety concerns, which is good. Small parts that can be a choking hazard, sharp edges that can cut through skin, and harmful chemicals used in manufacturing some toys have all been replaced with warning labels, age recommendations, and paraben-free something or other. It made me wonder how I got out of childhood alive. Some of my favorites aren’t even legal to own anymore. In no particular order, I didn’t just play with the following toys, I survived owning them.
Lawn Darts: We had them, and honestly, they were a favorite at our house. There were always at least a dozen kids in our yard tossing them around. I’m very glad no one ever got hurt. They were fun, but as an adult, I can’t imagine a marketing focus group at some toy company greenlighting aerodynamically designed flying spears as a game for a bunch of 7-year-olds. Our parents were all, “Don’t run with scissors!” but tossing kiddy-sized bayonets around the yard was perfectly fine.
Klackers: Two ceramic globes tied together with string so a child could swing them around until they clacked against each other. What could possibly go wrong? I remember when they were pulled from the market; after that, my mother took them away from my brother and me. The fact that he whirled his set around in a circle and tossed them at my head wasn’t a problem, but one kid on the news got a chip of glass in their eye, and it’s game over. Yes, they were dangerous; I get it. Still, how is it that we were part of the generation that grew up without carseats and bike helmets, but a pair of glass balls was just too risky?
Not every toy I had was dangerous physically; some of them seemed designed to mess with a kid’s head. Of course, there were the gender stereotypes: Barbie dolls were for girls, and G.I. Joe “action figures” were for boys. That was generational though; some of it has changed, and we’ve come a long way from the following mind-boggling toys.
Mystery Date: This was a board game marketed to girls who would take turns collecting outfit cards with cute clothes on them. The players had to try and match their outfits to whatever their unknown date had planned. Having a total stranger come pick you up for an outing you knew nothing about was completely normal, right? If you opened the door and the guy behind it was the “Dud” card, you lost all your outfits, and some other player would get a chance to open the door, hoping that all of her work curating her clothes would be acceptable. When I look back at some of the dates I went on and the clothing crises that preceded them, I really want to send Milton Bradley a bill for all the chocolate binges I went on when dates went badly.
Tatters The Doll: There were a lot of dolls in my toy chest, but the one I remember most was Tatters. She was an orphan (a word I’m glad we don’t use anymore) and she was dressed in torn clothing with patches holding it all together. When you pulled a string, she said phrases like, “My name is Tatters, if it matters” and “No one has ever loved me before” and finally, “Can I stay with you forever?” Whatever happened to dolls dressed in pink that smiled and said, “Mama?” Did Mattel really believe this doll would make kids happy? I know people have issues with Barbie being unrealistic, but she never made me wonder what would happen to me if my parents died or ran away without me.
Sitting with my young friend and messing about with the toys kids like today was a great way to spend an afternoon. Other than a set of dead batteries for the police car he wanted to play with, it was all fun and games, and no one lost an eye, a fate I was constantly warned about by the same parents who let us have lawn darts. If you have a little spare time, stop, drop to the floor, and roll with some Matchbox cars. Lay some orange track all over the house and stage a race. Have a tea party with a bunch of stuffed animals. Answer that plastic phone, and be a kid, even if it’s just for an hour or so.
