“The least amount of judging we can do, the better off we are.” — Michael J. Fox
First things first. We all judge. We judge ourselves, of course, and others as well. Don’t say you haven’t. You have, I have, we all have. That is never going to change. We look at others through the lens of our own issues and then make up our minds, often without any actual facts.
Are they richer than us? Do they have nicer stuff? Are they snotty, are they sweet? Are they fun and happy, or miserable? Do they choose what we would choose? If not, why not? If someone plays pickleball (or badminton, in my case), are they better at it than me? Yes, but I’m working on it. If someone’s house is bigger, are they a better person? If someone is disorganized and messy, are they an undisciplined slob? If they are immaculate in their housekeeping and habits, does that mean they are superior to those who are not?
Recently, I experienced some judgment, and while the person’s opinion of me is none of my business since they have to live with it, not me, I sometimes wonder how we come to the judgments we make about others. How do we decide if a few visible bits of someone’s existence, or a small snapshot of a tiny part of their life, are enough to make an informed decision on who a person is at their core?
It’s not nearly enough information, but a lack of real knowledge never stopped anyone from having an opinion, did it? I sometimes wonder why people with enough food, clothes, family, and friends to walk through life with have to go out of their way to nitpick. It’s a hobby with some people, and I don’t get it.
Maybe they’re having a bad day, feeling down, stressed, or something, and just need to blow off a little steam. Taking a walk, hitting the gym, having cookies, and binge-watching Netflix are all good ways to unwind, but for some, they have to go on the offensive. And trust me, it gets pretty offensive out there sometimes.
Instead of telling ourselves, “I raised some good kids, I did my best, I made others happier when I could, I helped my friends when they needed it, I guess I’m an OK person, overall,” we just get mean. There’s no other word for it; deny it all you want; there are mean people out there. At times, I’ve been one. At times, I’ve been the target. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been on both sides of that.
Judgment is always going to be there. It gets toxic when we find some person, event, or situation and decide it’s inferior. So we poke fun and hurl insults, usually over nothing, and somehow, that gives some people a nice brain hit of endorphins. Go you! You feel better because you weaponized your opinion of someone else and tried to hurt them. Slow clap; well done, indeed.
It’s reality and unlikely to change. Some people will always leap right to thinking the worst based on their own insecurities and issues. What can we do when it happens? Well, we can clap back, and I’ve done that plenty of times; they didn’t call me Blurt the Merciless in college for nothing.
I’ve since learned it doesn’t fix anything. Ok, there was that one time when I was dropping off a friend to see her mom at the hospital. Someone blared their horn at me because I was taking too much time helping her get her bag and some items her mom needed out of the car. Ya, I went off, and I used some words they can’t print here, and it’s possible I suggested a few anatomically impossible actions this person could take. And I’d do it again because people shouldn’t blare their horns at other people entering a hospital. If that’s judgment, I can own it.
There’s already enough division, angst, and unhappiness all around us. Do we need to elevate ourselves out of the muck by stomping down on others? I don’t like everyone I meet. Not everyone who meets me (and even some who never have) likes me. That’s fine, but if judging another person whom you don’t know (even if you think you do) based on something like their home or belongings makes you feel better? Good luck; you’re going to need it.
Brenda Kelley Kim has lived in Marblehead for 50 years and is an author, freelance writer, and mother of three. Her column appears weekly.
