As we all know, people who avail themselves of DNA analysis through sites like Ancestry DNA or 23 and Me sometimes discover way more information than they were seeking, with a few surprises along the way. And if you do this, you should be prepared for surprises to be of the unpleasant kind. For example, what if your dad isn’t who you thought he was? What if you find half siblings you never knew existed? Occasionally, the results can be wonderful, and this is what I want to share today.
In 2015, my husband, Tony, and I attended the Scottish Highland Games event in Loon, New Hampshire. If you’ve never been, it’s a great time with all kinds of activities like sheep herding, discus throwing, high jumps and feats of strength. In fact, for you Game of Thrones fans, we met the actor who plays The Mountain (he’s Icelandic so do not ask me to spell it out). Super nice guy and posed for pictures. But I digress.
After we got back, Tony was dying to be Scottish. This is a man who had the map of Sicily on his face and no way was there any Scottish blood in him, but he sent away for the Ancestry DNA test. I thought “what the heck – my father died when I was a baby and I know very little about his background, so I’ll do that, too.” Little did I know it would change my life.
When I was old enough to ask about my father, my mom told me that he was from Alabama and his father was a Baptist minister. She said they didn’t want to be involved in our lives because we were Northerners and Catholic. Apparently, though, she did correspond with one of my father’s sisters for a short time, sending them pictures and updates on me, but there was no talk of a visit. All contact stopped when my mom remarried and my new dad adopted me.
In 2016, imagine my shock when I received a Facebook message from a woman who said “hi Lisa. I’m your cousin Susan. We’ve been looking for you your whole life.” That started a series of communications that resulted in Susan, her husband Michael, and their 15-year-old son Russell coming to Boston for a visit in 2017. They stayed with Tony and me, and all my friends said “what’s wrong with you! You don’t know these people! Why would you have them stay at your house?” I deflected all the criticism by reminding them that Susan and I had been in regular contact for the prior year and had gotten to know each other pretty well over the phone. And if they didn’t stay with us, we’d have that much less time together during their short visit. That short visit turned into a fantastic weekend and a close relationship that I treasure to this day.
When I first heard from Susan, I was nervous about speaking with her. But there was a natural and immediate connection that I would never have expected. It turns out that we are very much alike. When she was a child and discovered that she had a first cousin she had never met, she kept nagging her parents. Due to my name change and relocation, no one knew how to contact my mother. And although she became very proficient in online searches, it wasn’t until I added myself to the DNA registry that she was definitively able to identify me.
The true story about what happened between my mom and my birth father’s family is not exactly what I was told. Among other things, it seems that living in Boston and having her late husband’s family in Alabama was just too much for a single mother working two jobs to support her baby. It was likely easier just to let them go.
But oh, how I regret that. I didn’t meet Susan until I was 56. That was a lifetime of not knowing her and the rest of the family. And so many of the aunts and uncles had already died, including Susan’s father (my father’s brother). I guess it’s a blessing that I know her now, and the others that I’ve met. It’s just sad that it took that long and that we missed so much of each other’s lives.
We’re now super close, and I just went to Alabama for her son Russell’s graduation from Mississippi State. If you’re looking for a binge-watch, see him on Estate of Survival, a reality show that aired last summer. He was one of the contestants! It’s streaming on Amazon Prime.
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
