Lisa Fama
It’s only fair. Two weeks ago, I talked about Toxic Positivity, so let’s turn the tables. There are some people out there who just have a negative outlook on life. I’ve been personally acquainted with a few, both in friendships and in work relationships. Their attitudes certainly made it difficult to be around them. I’m sure you know at least one person who falls into this category.
In my case, I was 23 when I met a woman we’ll call Kate. She was about six years older and much more worldly than I. We were working on a community theatre production. At the time, I was very impressed by her and flattered when she took me under her wing. In fairness, she was nice to me, and very smart. I learned a lot. And we did have good times; she liked a lot of the same things I did and introduced me to some things I didn’t even know I *would* like. She invited me to join her to take a Hebrew class because she was interested in learning it, so I did, and enjoyed it immensely.
Over time, though, I started to recognize toxicity. For example, taking things personally that weren’t meant that way, criticizing me and telling me I didn’t dress professionally enough (for the record – I did). Also, she lied about stupid things! When I met her parents, I asked her why her last name was different as she was single. She made up a story about an inheritance from an aunt who asked her to change her last name if she wanted to be her heir. I found out later that she had been married and divorced. It never made sense to me why she would lie about it. But I was young and naïve at the time, so I took her words to heart and at face value. Since she was a mentor of sorts, I wanted to please her.
In 1992, I had just finished my first year of law school, and over the summer I discovered Karaoke. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I will admit I’m a nerd, but it was great fun, and I made some lifelong friends. I also met my future husband. Of course, we were madly in love and sure there was some mild PDA, which I don’t think sat too well with her, because she did not like seeing us together. I don’t know why but I got the sense she wasn’t happy for me, and our friendship slowly drifted apart. I was sad about it, but in hindsight I believe it was for the best.
Then I started talking to other people who knew her in independently of me, and they mentioned frequently how negative she was (one called her “sour puss”). As I thought back on the years I knew her, I realized they were right, and I also began noticing other toxic people in my life who really were using me and bringing me down. My closest friend told me to “scrape ‘em off” and I eventually did.
Today I am careful to surround myself with people that don’t suck the life out of me, especially since I’ve been through such a tough time in the last couple of years. Having the support of uplifting friends and family made all the difference while I was grieving, waiting for and then recovering from life-threatening surgery.
I’m older and wiser now, and I know that negative people are really projecting their own unhappiness and/or pain onto others. As an optimist, it’s uncomfortable to associate with a pessimist who seems to want failure or who sees him/herself as a victim. Blaming others for their misfortune tends to be their philosophy.
You can certainly choose not to be friends with someone like this. But often, as with my former friend, it doesn’t start out that way. Our falling out took many years, largely because I didn’t recognize it until long after we became friends.
I hope you aren’t facing negativity on a regular basis. It’s so exhausting. Why can’t people be grateful for what they have and support each other? Or be kind in general? These are questions with no answers. I’m just glad I’m able to recognize it now, and I hope you are, too.
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
