The holidays are almost upon us, as hard as that is to believe. I say it every year, but where does the time go?
As we get ready to see family and friends who may not be in daily contact with us, we may stop to think about the ways in which we interact with them. Sometimes, it’s an event you really look forward to because you love your aunts, uncles, and cousins, and this is the only time you’ll see them all year. Other times, it’s fraught with stress since some of those same relatives might be difficult to tolerate for even a few hours. You know, the uncle who, despite the hard and fast rule to leave politics at the door, delights in stirring the pot. Or the kids whose table manners are atrocious, but their parents sit there and do nothing.
I’ve been reading some stories in my online groups, and this is a recurring theme. Why is it that we tolerate such behavior? Is it because it’s easier to put up with them once a year than to call them on it and ruin the holiday? And that begs the question of why must it ruin the day just because you (and most likely everyone else) find that person’s behavior objectionable? “Well, that’s just how he is.” “The kids don’t have a dog, so they want to play with yours” even if it means that poor Fido’s tail is being pulled.
Personally, I think “that’s just how he (or she) is” is a ridiculous statement. Adults should know right from wrong, the most basic of table manners, and even how to behave in society. Unless, of course, they were raised by wolves. That makes me wonder why they get away with it. After doing a little research, I think it boils down to:
- Fear of confrontation. I hear this quite frequently, and I understand it. But if you don’t call someone on their abominable behavior, nothing will change. The holiday will always be filled with tension, and you will end up dreading it.
- Unwillingness to set boundaries. This has more to do with the person who wants to set the boundaries than the ones who need it. Often, it comes down to low self-esteem because that person may not feel their boundaries are worthwhile, so they let themselves be taken advantage of.
- Normalization. If the boorish relative’s behavior has been tolerated for years, it’s hard to step in and challenge it. I remember, years ago, attending a friend’s Thanksgiving dinner with her family because my parents had moved to Florida. Her father was a strange person. He came into the dining room, filled his plate, and left to go back and watch football. The family didn’t even blink an eye. I innocently said, “Hey, Mr. Smith, aren’t you going to sit with us?” He ignored me as he left the room. Mrs. Smith piped up and said that this is how he spent “his” Thanksgiving. I thought that was rather selfish, but I kept silent after that.
- Hoping for change. If you find yourself making excuses for someone and thinking that the behavior might change if you model the type of behavior you want, that’s probably a fruitless endeavor.
- Power imbalance. In my prior example, the behavior was that of my friend’s father, an authority figure in the household. Even though her mother should have just as much authority, there was clearly an imbalance if she was unwilling to challenge him and ask that he sit with the family.
- And finally: Peer pressure. Let’s face it, when you’re at an event with a lot of diverse people, one person’s bad behavior is probably going to be excused because no one wants this special, once a year meal to be spoiled, and no one will support you if you do speak up.
Now that we have a better idea about why the bad apples aren’t usually thrown out, we can focus on possible solutions. I think there are very nice, kind ways to encourage them to adapt, or to redirect the conversation. “Oh, Uncle Charlie, you’re so funny with your political talk, but remember we have a rule about that! Tell me what your summer was like. I heard you went on a cruise!” Or, “Mr. Smith, I’m so happy to see you! Paula has told me about your new promotion, and I’d love to talk to you about it. Why don’t you sit next to me, I’m sure we can all scootch to make room!” (Sidebar – is “scootch” in the dictionary yet? If not, it should be…)
There are ways to avoid confrontations while still achieving your goal of a peaceful, happy dinner. We’re all a work in progress, so let’s encourage our loved ones to make that progress together.
