We’ve all lost someone we love. Maybe it’s a parent, a sibling, another family member, or a dear friend. Or, God forbid, a child or a spouse. Especially a child; there’s nothing worse.
I’m childless, but I have lost a spouse. And mine was a happy marriage. Sure, we had our squabbles, but we truly loved each other. That’s why losing him was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It took quite a while for the grief to hit me full-on, because I was also fighting for my life. I’m good at compartmentalizing, and I had to put him in a box on the top shelf of my mind so that I could just get through the year following his death.
Once I was home from the hospital and recuperating from surgery, that’s when the loss hit me hard. My brother had been living with me to help with doctors’ appointments, as I couldn’t drive yet, and with other household chores that were too much for me physically. When he left, and I was alone, I started to realize that I was alone. There were far too many memories of him in the house, and lingering smells on his clothing and pillow, and so many photos! I was caught up in reliving those memories for a long time, and it made me miss that closeness we had.
Widow’s Fire is a real thing. I wasn’t familiar with the term. After the one-year anniversary of his death, I started thinking about dating again. The urge to have someone in my life was so overwhelming, and I thought it was natural to feel that way. It took a few months of some good (and not so good) dates, but no real connection, before I finally understood what I was really looking for. According to my good friend Google, Widow’s Fire is a term used to describe “the intense need for intimacy that some widows and widowers experience after the death of their spouse, often within a short period of time.” If you are in a strong relationship already, it’s natural to want to recreate that intimacy. However, the topic is often misunderstood and even seen as taboo, especially where the family and friends of the deceased are involved. The surviving spouse may be criticized for getting back out there and not waiting for what society deems to be a sufficient mourning period.
That period, though, is so subjective. When my mom died, she had been suffering from pancreatic cancer for about three years, and my dad had pretty much gone through the mourning period in advance. It wasn’t a matter of “if,” but “when.” We all knew it, and my mom even told him she wanted him to find someone new to share his life with. They lived in Florida, so that was easy; the moment she died, he was inundated with casseroles and attention from all the other single ladies in their social circle. My husband used to describe it as “seagulls on a French fry.” He was remarried four years later and, luckily, she was a wonderful lady who made him very happy.
Eventually, I understood what was happening and took myself out of the dating scene. Plus, have you been on any of those sites? What a wasteland of scammers and people (both genders) trying to prey on the vulnerable. I’m sure there are good people (I was one), but I deleted my profile and decided that if I am ever going to meet my Chapter 2, it will be the old-fashioned way – probably by hitting him with my car in a parking lot. It definitely won’t be online.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, if you know someone who has lost a spouse, go easy on them if they start dating again fairly quickly. It’s natural to want that closeness again. And if you’re like me, who doesn’t have children, there are fewer people to take up the slack of a family circle in the home. Thank goodness for my other family and my close friends. They’re just a phone call away. If you’re the unlucky widow/widower, keep yourself busy so that you don’t have as much time to dwell on this tremendous loss. And be kind to yourself, always.
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
