“It’s not what you are that holds you back, it’s what you think you are not.” — Denis Waitley
I like this quote, but then again, is it true that if we think we are something — a good writer, a nice person, an expert in current affairs — then we actually are that something? The whole “If you can think it, you can be it” kind of thing? I have a coffee mug that says, “She who must be obeyed.” I have a fridge magnet that says I am the queen of the “stinking” universe (OK, it doesn’t say stinking, but work with me here), so how come no one else is treating me as a royal being who rules over all she surveys?
The other day, even though I spent hours running errands, getting some work done, and shopping for groceries, I felt like I didn’t accomplish much. Maybe it was my squirrel-like clicking and scrolling through social media or the fact that I work from home, and it’s a lot of stop-and-start kind of things, but often, it seems like there’s always a task that didn’t get finished, and it can feel very inefficient.
The end of the day came, and after cooking and cleaning up dinner, I told someone that I felt like it had been a “sluggy” day, and nothing got done. I was cleaning up a meal I shopped for and cooked while sending work emails with some progress info on a project, so why did I feel like an underachiever?
Probably because in my social-media scrolling and text breaks with friends, it was as if everyone I knew had done something miraculous or meaningful that day. Awards in their career fields, a promotion, and one friend even set a personal record in her training runs for the marathon. The last marathon I had anything to do with was the “Twilight Zone” marathon on New Year’s Eve.
It’s the comparison that got me. Instead of being happy with what I did, I focused on what other people did. If one of my friends made progress on a big project, got errands out of the way, shopped for food, and prepared a meal, I’d be cheering them on and telling them they were awesome. But for myself? Oh, no, it was just an everyday day, not much accomplished, and I’d shuffle off like Eeyore, mumbling, “Thanks for noticing me.”
I made the mistake of using other people’s lives and accomplishments as a barometer for what was happening in my own. I’m lucky to know people from all walks of life, so while I was proofreading web copy for one client, hitting the grocery store because chicken legs were on sale, and wrestling the trash out to the curb, some of my friends were saving lives in a hospital, on a business trip to the Caribbean, or having lunch at the plaza with a celebrity client.
While that is all fabulous, each one of those friends told me that not every day is like that. Some days, it’s bedpans, cubicles, and a PB&J sandwich on the train home. It’s not like I haven’t had amazing days too. Any single day is like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle. It’s just one piece, and without a whole lot of other pieces, there’s no picture. We can’t know someone else’s life just by looking at one snippet in time.
Is there a trick to staying out of the comparison trap? If there is, I’m not aware of it, but a big part of it is probably to cut back on the doom-scrolling on my phone. It may be a good time to pick up my knitting again and keep trying to make something. To my friends who are living their best lives, I really am happy for you. If I can manage not to tie my hands together, I’ll knit you a hat!
Brenda Kelley Kim has lived in Marblehead for 50 years, and is an author, freelance writer, and mother of three. Her column appears weekly.