“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many.” — Phaedrus
“The thief of joy is comparison.” — Ray Cummings
It’s a two-fer this week because try as I might, I couldn’t decide which of these quotes worked best. There are so many wise words about appearances, warning us not to judge a book by its cover and to look deeper than what we see on the surface. Hundreds more tell us not to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others because doing so sucks the joy out of what we have and who we are.
While no quote or proverb is always 100% accurate, the ones that tell us to question how something appears as opposed to the reality of it are usually spot on. Comparison only works when deciding what to order on a menu or what model of car you think is best for your family. Sure, we all have milestones we want to reach, whether in our personal lives or professional careers, but they are unique to us. You might be a teacher, a lawyer, or a doctor, but where and how you choose to work is your path, and no one else gets to tell you how to walk it.
It’s especially true in families because that’s where comparison and judgment happen a lot. If you have siblings or more than one child, you get it. No one is more judgy and competitive than someone with a sister or brother because they likely grew up comparing everything, from who mom liked best to who got more cookies.
When my kids were little, I counted chicken nugs and filled identical sippy cups with the exact amount of milk or juice. I made sure each kid got equal amounts of everything. Still, that didn’t keep the older one from stealing something off the younger one’s plate because “his piece of pizza was bigger than mine, why does he always get the biggest piece?”
That’s why comparison is always a losing bet, especially involving appearances. Our everyday lives are challenging enough, with jobs, families, a home, chores, errands, traffic, finances, etc. I don’t know about anyone else, but it’s a double whammy of stress for me when I’m having a bad day, and I start looking at the people and places around me and comparing all that to my situation. That is never a good idea, and I’m trying to stop doing it.
So often, we look at others who have not walked a mile in our shoes, have not lived the same life with the same circumstances, and think, “Wow, they have it all together, and I’m over here chowing down on Oreos and watching old episodes of ‘Mary Tyler Moore.’” It’s such a waste of time, not just because Oreos and “Mary Tyler Moore” are fantastic together, but also because there is a word for what other people do… irrelevant.
Irrelevant. That’s the word. What others do with their individual lives, personal choices, and whatever else means nothing to anyone but them and perhaps their bank. Just as my choices really shouldn’t matter to anyone else — I have a cute little house, a fun family, a stinky pug, and a career I enjoy. I’m beyond grateful for it all, even when the dog makes a mess in the corner. No one would look at my life and think, “Wow, she’s got it all” because newsflash: No one has it all.
No one wants to be self-centered, but if you can’t look at someone else’s life without doubting your own choices, you should do what an incredibly wise woman I was lucky to know suggests. On the occasion of Nanny Quinn’s 85th birthday, I asked her, “What’s your best life advice?”
Her reply?
“Mind your own business. Because if you’re minding your own business, you’ll have no time to mind anyone else’s and you’ll be glad of that!” She also said, “If you think someone else has it better than you, just scratch the surface a little, it’s not always how you think it is.”
She’s right.
Brenda Kelley Kim has lived in Marblehead for 50 years, and is an author, freelance writer, and mother of three. Her column appears weekly.