Erika Ettin
There’s so much to stress about when it comes to a first date — what to wear, what conversation topics to avoid, if you’re about to get catfished — that another big obstacle is often overlooked: the financial aspect of dating. Even grabbing drinks a few times a week can really add up over time, and the last thing you want is to turn down a potential match because you’re worried about paying rent this month.
Someone (let’s call her Shelby for this story’s sake) recently asked me for some advice. Shelby was asked on a first date and he suggested a restaurant, but she realized the place was a bit out of her price range. I gave her a few options on how to reply.
Option 1: “Would it be OK if we start with a drink and go from there?”
Drinks are a great first-date option because it can be quick and in budget. If the date is going extremely well, you can always order an appetizer or another round to extend the conversation. If your drink is empty and so is the potential, you can politely excuse yourself.
Option 2: “That might be a bit fancy for a first date. Anything else you’ve been wanting to try?”
This response makes it clear that you’re not rejecting him, just the restaurant pick.
Option 3: “That’s a bit out of my budget. Just so it’s not awkward when the bill comes, I figured I’d mention it now. The place looks lovely though.”
Here it is: the truth (and the ideal option here). They say honesty is the best policy, and the same applies to dating. Setting realistic expectations sets the relationship on the right course. This reply also leaves the door open for him to make it clear if he intends on treating you, avoiding any stress surrounding that conversation.
Turns out, Shelby didn’t need to use any of these. While chatting, her date told her, “Don’t worry about the date on Monday. I’ve got it all planned. I’m covering everything. You just show up and be ready to have a great time.” Shelby had mentioned some stressors in her life to her date, and this was his response. How amazing is that?
Communication and clarity are the keys to a successful relationship, romantic or otherwise. With her date making his intentions crystal clear, he saved Shelby some worry — and they turned out to have a fantastic date (which included go-kart racing and arcade games in addition to dinner). They’re already planning dates four and five! But if Shelby had responded with the third option, the same idea applies: they would have been able to figure out a night that worked for both of them. (And if not affording an expensive dinner for a first date is a dealbreaker, so be it. Good to know early on.)
All of this said, first dates are a chance for you to get to know someone better, and they shouldn’t break the bank. Who can thoroughly enjoy a conversation when all they’re worried about is splitting the bill at the end? There are plenty of cheap or free date ideas: taking your dogs for a walk in the park, browsing a farmers’ market, volunteering, playing mini golf, or grabbing a happy hour drink. If cocktails aren’t your thing, try a brewery, coffee shop, or ice cream parlor. It’s not really about what you’re doing but who you’re doing it with and if you can have a good time together… in any situation.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.