“When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” I’ve learned the hard way that this is true.
I knew I was jinxing myself when I wrote about being in a new relationship. It wasn’t much longer before it ended. And that was because he showed me more than once that I was not important to him by forgetting that we had made plans.
Mistakes are one thing, but when the same mistake happens over and over, it becomes obvious that this is a pattern of behavior. And saying “I’m sorry,” while warranted, does not make it go away. All it does is to put a bandage on a bigger problem, which is the act itself. Someone in their 60s has an established personality and the way they act is likely not going to change. If someone is not “dating with intention,” that is, to find their long-term partner, their actions will make that clear. Because I am dating with intention, I want to find someone who is on the same page.
One of the reasons why someone might not be dating with intention is because they don’t know how to create their own independent life if they have kids. Most people my age have kids, but there’s a difference between having children who depend on you and ones who are adults. They have lives independent from yours, so your life should be independent, too, and it is perfectly reasonable to make a life with a partner of your own. After my mother died, my father found a lovely woman to date and they fell in love. My brother and I were both married, and he had a new baby. My dad didn’t think twice about whether we would be okay with his choices because he didn’t need to. They lived in Florida, so our lives didn’t intersect that much, and we wanted him to be happy. I’m not sure that some older, single adults have the awareness that they can do this as well (and the reason I wonder this is because in dating profiles and in person they often say “my children come first” which shouldn’t actually need to be said).
My friends have asked me if I’m being too unrealistic in that I think I can replace my husband. That made me pause a bit to really dig deep and ask myself to honestly answer. And what I’ve come up with is “no,” what I’m looking for is how he made me feel. Like I was cherished, respected, on equal terms and his best friend. Being with him was knowing that my heart was safe. No matter what, he was my home. He was a terrific conversationalist and a great listener. We talked about anything and everything. When deciding to get married and live together, we compromised because that’s what you do. We learned from each other, and I would like to believe that we became better people as a result.
There’s nothing like being in love. You know you’re vulnerable, but you jump in with both feet anyway. I had that once, and I’m not willing to settle for less. If that means my dog is going to be my only companion, that’s fine with me! What I keep focusing on is that I had true love for almost 25 years, and that is more than most people ever get.
I wrote about loneliness a few weeks ago. Many people suffer from that, not just widows/widowers. You can lessen the loneliness by keeping busy, and yet you’re still going to go to bed alone every night. But to me, that, in and of itself, is not a reason to be in a relationship that isn’t right for you. For many people, being in a relationship is better than being alone, but that won’t work for me. I want to be head over heels for the next guy, and I want him to feel the same way.
In my online widow’s group, someone put it best: “Love feels like…a secret smile when I think of him. A rush of excitement when he comes in the front door.” That’s exactly how I felt and I thank my lucky stars every day that I know what that’s like.
