They say that friends are the family you choose, and I believe that’s true. Even if you have a wonderful family (which I do), you still get to choose who you surround yourself with outside the family compound.
I’ve always heard that friendship is 50/50. But in my experience, it’s never that, it’s more like 60/40, 80/20 or even 90/10. One friend will always need the other one more. The trick is to balance it so that it’s not a one-way street. Let’s say your friend is going through a divorce and just needs a quiet place to go and not be judged. Perhaps the best thing you can do for that friend is to just sit there and listen if they want to talk, or watch a movie if they don’t, or go for a walk. You probably know them well enough to figure out your role in their current situation. I have friends who call me to vent, and I’m more than happy to let them do so. They often don’t need feedback or advice, just a willing shoulder to lean on. If they ask me, I’ll share my thoughts. And when I’m needy, they are there for me.
What happens when you’re the only one giving and you get nothing back? How do you break up with a friend? It’s not as easy as ending a romantic relationship. “We’re not compatible” may be true, but it’s still a difficult message to give in a platonic relationship. If you became friends as children, it may not have survived adulthood. We change so much as we reach life’s milestones. Maybe your friend got married, but you didn’t. She had children while you remained childless. That’s a tough road to navigate, but if you share the same values and your foundation was firmly laid, you can happily survive it. I’m super close to some of my friends’ kids because, as I remind them often, “someone has to take care of me when I get old.” The thing is, your friendship will change, and acknowledging that ahead of time makes the transition easier. She won’t have the free time for you that she did before. She will talk about the baby all day long and guess what? You might like that! I know I did.
So, for this friend, the new baby is taking all her time and energy. You sit back, you support her, and you wait. Eventually, she’ll come back to you and in the meantime, you can enjoy your free schedule and turn your attention to other things, while visiting the new baby/toddler/child and keeping in touch. Then, you meet a nice guy, find out that you have the capacity for great love and you get married yourself. Suddenly, your friend’s baby is now entering school and she’s back! Celebrating your newfound happiness and ready to share your new life and hear all about this fantastic guy. The ratio has switched back to you, but believe me, it will switch again as new things unfold.
The problems arise when the switch never happens, and you never get a word in edgewise. It’s happened to me, and for the most part, these friendships just sort of fade away and you lose touch. You stopped responding to invitations to meet for lunch, dinner, whatever. It may be nice to catch up years later, but there’s no real motivation to reignite that flame because frankly, it was probably never there to begin with. These are things you learn as you mature.
When a friendship is real (and that doesn’t mean you’ve known them for decades) you know you can count on that person, and that person can count on you. You’d do anything for them. I heard a sad story recently about a woman who is dying in hospice, but she wasn’t a very good person during her lifetime. Her “friends” have no desire to go see her now. I immediately called my closest friends (I think of them as my “posse”) and told them that I would move heaven and earth to be with them in their final hours. Naturally, I know they would do the same for me.
As I’ve shared with you, I’m a childless widow. I have a brother I’m close to, and a loving extended family who live far away. Therefore, my friends are my family. But you have to give as good as you get. I never take my posse for granted, because the older I get, the more important it is to me to cherish those I keep close. So go hug a friend today!
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
