I read a few advice columns every day, mostly for entertainment. Oh, the drama! Fights among family, evil stepmothers and siblings, who should pay on a date – you name it. But sometimes I do learn something useful.
One of those columns is Miss Manners. My mom raised me on Emily Post and the proper way to do things, from entertaining to setting a table, to how to hold a fork and knife. You would think that most of it is self-explanatory, but you would be wrong. A recent column involved hospitality, which inspired me to write about the topic this week.
My late husband, Tony, and I used to entertain a lot. We held dinner parties, impromptu minor holiday gatherings (St. Patrick’s Day, for example), and a major holiday party every December. Often, Tony’s friends would surprise us during the week and ask to drop in for a drink and some conversation. I would come home from work and find three or four people in my family room with music playing and drinks flowing (of course, there was alcohol, there was always alcohol). Because I’m an extrovert, I loved it. We knew how to entertain, and we were good at it.
We had people over all the time, but we didn’t go to others’ homes that often. I wondered about that, but Miss Manners thinks that people in general don’t really like to or want to entertain anymore, or they don’t know how, even if they want to. And when you think about it, it makes sense. We work at least 40 hours a week, after which we come home to try and cobble together dinner either for ourselves, a spouse/partner, or an entire family. The weekends are usually reserved for the things we’ve put off during the week, like chores, shopping, kids’ sports, you name it. Who has the time or energy to have a dinner party, which requires us to have to clean and prepare a meal?
Tony and I didn’t have children, so we had more time to devote to things like this. I could go to Pinterest to see the latest trends in hosting a birthday party for a certain milestone age, or how to decorate for a themed party or holiday. And then invest the time to actually do it. But these days, there doesn’t seem to be as much interest in doing all that, even if there was some motivation involved. And I get that. I find a lot of pleasure in inviting my friends over because I like to cook, and I do have more time on my hands than most. I don’t mind doing the work if it gets them to enjoy themselves and leave their stress at the door.
Just for fun, in a quick, informal poll of people I don’t know very well, I asked them if they have their friends and/or family over often for a meal, a game night, or just to get together for a chat and snacks. The overwhelming answer was “no,” except for holidays, when they had to. And even then, they resented it. Turns out, working and trying to maintain some semblance of a life left no time for this sort of thing. People would rather go out to a restaurant than go through the trouble of having people over. Totally understandable.
But more prevalent was the theme “I don’t really know what I’m doing even if I wanted to.” Entertaining can be stressful, and it’s not like there’s a user manual for how to do it. So, my advice is: just think how you’d feel if a friend invited you over. Would you care that the house wasn’t spotlessly clean? Aren’t store-bought appetizers just as delicious as homemade, especially if all you really wanted was some time just to sit and spend quality time with someone you hardly ever see? If the answers to those questions are “no,” “yes,” and “yes,” then go ahead and do it yourself. Clutter is meaningless next to laugh-out-loud moments.
I’m a big fan of The Gilded Age on HBO and I’m tickled by the tradition of sending a calling card to the person you want to visit (or to visit you), dressing in a gown, complete with gloves and a hat, and taking your horse and buggy to the house to be greeted by the butler and shown to the drawing room for tea. Ah, the good old days.
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
