Recently, someone mentioned that I might fall into this category. I was shocked, as I hadn’t heard of this term. My good friend Google tells me that Toxic Positivity is “the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often falsely positive façade.”
To that, I ask, “What’s wrong with being positive?” Don’t you hate it when someone complains all the time and finds only the bad side of any situation? We all know at least one person who fits this description. And frankly, I avoid them like the plague. But I’ve come to realize that even though I think I’m being helpful, not everyone needs or wants to hear my positive reinforcement. It’s okay to wallow in your misery for a time, or however long it takes you to come to terms with whatever awful thing happened. That concept was hard for me to accept. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for me to NOT want to look on the bright side of a bad situation. As much as I think I’m being a good friend to someone who needs to vent, it can actually be harmful to tell them that there’s always a silver lining. That leads people to be ashamed or to feel guilty, because it lessens their emotions and makes them feel dismissed or ignored. Some friend I turned out to be.
And when you’re the one who needs to vent, and you usually don’t, it makes you want to give assurances to the very people you need to vent to. I found myself comforting others when they came to Tony’s memorial service. And when I delivered the bad news about having to have transplant surgery, I said “there, there, it won’t be so bad” a lot! I’ve since learned that this can be interpreted as avoidance, in terms of sidestepping the types of emotions that would otherwise make me feel vulnerable, or make me acknowledge the true gravity of my circumstances. I will admit that. I’m so good at compartmentalizing everything in my life that I sometimes put off feeling all the feels. For the longest time, I refused to believe that I might die, and it hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally realized it. I think it was only at that moment that I started treating my disease properly in terms of how to fight it.
The best takeaway for me in accepting this part of my personality is that I should let people complain, or grumble, or whine, or whatever they need to say, and to truly acknowledge their pain, fear, sadness or whatever emotion they feel, and make sure they know that I will always listen. Sometimes that’s all you need to do, and your friends will feel heard, but not judged. Isn’t that what we all want?
Lisa Marchionda Fama is a retired attorney who has lived in Marblehead for seven years, loves this town, and hopes she never leaves. Visit her blog at TheSoberWidow.com.
